The Anonymous Heartache Project

An Experimental Transmedia Documentary

2010/11/02
by Anonymous
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A.H.P.- 45

A.H.P. – 45:

J…It was great when it started but then everything got crazy … with me loosing my mind and all.  I wish i could do it all over again sometimes. Taken another path walked the road that way clearly ahead of me. There was times when I wished you really knew what i was trying to say. BUt then you changed I heard rumors I strayed. I guess me and you where never ment to be huh. We where to dif like i had feared. Seeing you with him makes me angered, to the point i loose myself in it sometimes. I noticed the tone of voice the way you talk to him and him to you . But i always knew he like you. what can i say if you and him do love each other tthen why not. Fuck I dont get much of the shit thats going on now a days. I feel like a novelty item that never got sold. Just a old relic now. But any ways liike i said hope you well even though you. Never mind can you tell im bitter can you tell im angry? I know you dont realy cair. U moved on along time ago and its ok with me. Even though im nothing now i will become somthing again so be happy and when he tells you” i love you i hope you do to”.

2010/11/02
by Anonymous
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A.H.P.-44

A.H.P. -44:

J… Thank you that’s all i realy have to say . I mean you gave me life again and this time it was healing old scars closed and again I was able to say yes i am happy. though our crossing paths where never meant to be, i played my roll and didnt waiver because i knew you loved me already. even if you wont say it, that much emotion between two people is strange. We both needed some one and it was what it was. We had fun, yo ulearned and so did i. Like i said you still have a long way to go before you can realy say thats the one. Take your time and do what you need. Because i will. If it counts i did love you as true as it can be.  You know though, your hand was always his to begin with.

2010/11/02
by Anonymous
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A.H.P.-43

A.H.P. -43:

Even though you were already gone, even though you were already gone, and even though you were already gone,
I’ve finally let go of you, I’ve finally let go of you, I’ve finally let go of you,
Crying you away, crying you away, and crying you away,
Letting you go, letting you go, letting you go,
Good bye, good bye, good bye,
I love you, I love you, I love you,
Be free, BE FREE, and BE FREE!
And with every step you take,
And with every step you take,
And with every step you take,
I give you my blessing and love,
I give you my blessing and love,
I give you my blessing and love,
For you,
For you,
For you.

2010/11/02
by Anonymous
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A.H.P.-42

A.H.P. – 42:

Usually these things aren’t so scientific, but I remember the exact day I realized I was in love with you. It was June 14th. We were smoking cigarettes in front of your fireplace and you were playing guitar. And I said to myself, “oh fuck.” And I felt like you kind of didn’t want me to stay the night, but I was too shocked by how I felt to even feel bad about that, I remember leaving and feeling like I was literally on auto pilot. And I got home that night and called Sarah and I told her how I felt and she said “That’s awesome” and I said “No, trust me, it’s really fucking bad.” And it was bad. Because starting basically that exact day, I started to feel like you didn’t want me around so much anymore. Coincidence? Who knows.
Holy fuck, that hurt though. It has hurt ever since. And everything got surreal, and then it got ugly, and I was scared of what your motives were – you talked so much, so often, about not wanting to be with me, and after I realized how much I cared, I resented that, because it was like you had drawn me in, gotten me close to you, without really wanting it.

2010/11/02
by Anonymous
0 comments

A.H.P.-41

A.H.P. – 41:

Dear Daddy,

I don’t know where you’ve gone, and I sincerely fear that you have died.  Either way, I just wanted you to know that there’s this really unpleasant guy hanging out with your body pretending to be you. He hates the shit out of our mom, and shuns us if we openly associate with her. He takes advantage of your really sick, disabled son.  He acts like the whole world owes him something, you know what I mean? He seriously thinks that no matter what happens in life, HE’s the victim.

He’s even done a lot of things that I know you wouldn’t have done. That’s how I knew it wasn’t you.  I guess after your daddy died, you maybe thought you were just going on a little vacation and you’d be back later, right?  I know you wouldn’t have abandoned all your confused and hurt children to some asshole on purpose.

You might have even thought that  we didn’t want you because of that really big fight you had with Mommy. I know I was REALLY mad at you for awhile and didn’t want to talk to you. I was afraid of you.  But we’ve all decided we’d rather have an imperfect person than no one at all.

I know that you might not be able to, if you’ve actually died/were murdered by the impostor, etc. , but if you can hear me or read this wherever you are, please come back. Your sons and daughters miss you and it hurts us to look at this other person, wishing it was really you and knowing that you are lost somewhere.

Please come back if this message gets to you.

Love
Your Daughter, Jane

2010/11/02
by Anonymous
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A.H.P.-40

A.H.P. – 40:

Dear Mommy,

I love you. I know that you know that, but I haven’t been able to say that to your face for a year. A whole year I haven’t seen you or been in physical contact with you. Isn’t that sad? We don’t even live that far away from each other, but somehow we never managed to see each other.  I know that we have wanted to, myself especially.

I may not agree with many of the things you think, but it doesn’t matter. I may do things of which you disapprove, but that doesn’t matter either. None of that is as important as one simple, undeniable fact: You are STILL my Mommy.

I miss you, and though I know the chances of you seeing this letter are very slim, I have written it anyway in the faint hope that you already know everything I’ve written.

Love,
Your Daughter, Jane.

2010/11/02
by Anonymous
0 comments

A.H.P.-39

A.H.P. – 39:

On Mon, Mar 17, 2008 at 2:22 PM, Jane wrote:

Subject: thoughts gone dim
You’re soft spoken goodbye doesn’t warrant a reply
But I have this needling desire to attempt and to try.
I confuse lust with love, I confuse conflict with emotion
I set fire on hope so I can bask in erosion.

You act as an enigma. You do not expose for me
You do not disclose to me the fullness of the truth.
You abet me only to evade me. Let it simmer, let it stew
But don’t let it get out of hand.

It’s only a game and I make it easy to play
Because we both know that you’re winning it.
So drape the gold medal around your neck
The champion of not feeling it.

A flee from reality, an adventure in feeling
Rely on some fantasy to speed up the breathing.
Please speak clean of my heart, it appears to be bleeding
But I know that these feelings will soon prove themselves fleeting.

Then I’ll return to my house and I’ll lie in my bed
These dolls in their dresses are built for pretend.
It’s not true affection just a cuff on the sleeve
But it won’t hurt too much I invited you to leave.

Still I expose and explain reek havoc on my brain
To discern the true source of this needing.

Is it Neptune playing tricks on me?
This elusive deception is destroying my sleeping
But alas, I think I finally feel it depleting.

Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2008 00:06:33 -0400
From: John
To: Jane
Subject: Re: thoughts gone dim

Jane,
Too late.  I read the text and the email. You seem to think that I dislike you.  This is not true.  I find your coyness and smiles adorable.  You seem to be a romantic idealist.  True to your love of literature and the arts.  All these are lovely qualities for a beautiful, creative, and sensitive young woman to have.  As sensitive I think you sometimes hide behind drink.  Sometimes you speak from insecurity and so betray your open heart.  I have no desire to bring you pain or hurt.
My life is somewhat self absorbed.  I am overwhelmed with daily responsibilities and am dating someone.  It just seems risky for us to move forward into the arena of friendly lust. Not to mention things did not go smoothly for us the first few times.  I feel something self destructive in your desire for me and think it would be irresponsible of me to fuel that kind of fire.  You’ll hate me for being practical I’m sure. Sense is something you would rather ignore.  Me too sometimes.  I think you’re adorable and whether you know it or not I consider you a friend.
John

2010/11/02
by Anonymous
0 comments

A.H.P.-38

A.H.P. – 38:

Dear John,

I know you aren’t into reading all the words but unfortunately I can express myself so much better this way.  I am going to miss you like I haven’t missed many people, which scares me.  There’s one line from Dylan’s, Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright, that says “I wish there was something you would do or say to try and make me change my mind and stay.”  So here I am saying something, not necessarily to get you to stay but just to let you know I don’t want you to go.

I have been so lucky to have you here; I don’t know how I would have gotten through the last 2 years without having you to run to. I’ve never met anyone quite like you before.   You are so real, and genuine, the most genuine person I have ever met.  I didn’t think people like you were out there.  I know you have said that you have changed and I am happy to know the John you are today, because this John is so amazing that it hurts to think that you are leaving.  You make me smile and laugh like no one else can especially when I feel at my worst, you can turn me around in no time.

This summer I realize just how much you meant.  I missed talking to you, hanging out, just being with you.  When you came back for a visit you had people over for a b.b.q.  You looked great, tan and slim and happy.  You and I sat on the deck of the house leaning back on our hands when you put yours on top of mine.  I melted, just melted into a ball of goo.  I know there were other people there but I was so into you that I couldn’t tell you who came over.  Then you left again, my heart sank.  I was realizing just how much I wasn’t even looking at other guys.  I was fairly confident that I liked you and until I knew otherwise I was going to be around you to see what might come of it.

I was so excited to know you were coming back.  When I pulled into your drive the first day I saw you again I don’t think I could hide that I was beaming.  From that point on I was hanging out in my own little world.  I wanted to be with you, but I was going to keep it to myself in fear that you would tell me the truth.  I didn’t want to lose the happiness I was enjoying.  I love going to Burlington to dance, I loved hanging out with your friends.  I didn’t want to ruin that by asking you how you felt about me.  I feared the truth. The truth is that you never gave me any reason to think there was anything more than friendship between us.  The truth that Thanksgiving brought.  I should have known better, and really I think I did but I didn’t want to give up on this silly fantasy.  I loved spending time with your family, and I was fairly broken after that trip.  I did want more, but that isn’t what you wanted.  I didn’t want to throw myself at anyone who wasn’t interested.  But it was a hurt I hadn’t expected.

I understand why you are leaving.  I want you to follow your heart.  But I cried when you told me you weren’t coming back, I sat and just cried.  You are very special to me, as you would be to any woman who was luckily enough to share time with you.  Anyone who lies next to you in bed and is wrapped by your arms wouldn’t be able to walk away from you without having a special place in their heart for you.  I have fallen so hard for you and it is so hard for me to no beg you to stay.  I love you.  I love you and I didn’t want you to leave without knowing that.

I know your leaving and it is probably the best thing for me.  I need to get over you and I would never be able to do that while you are here.  No one could equal you while you are here.  I will treasure the memories of the time we spent together and I am thankful that I got to lie in your arms.  Thankful that I got to dance with you, spend time with your family, road trip with you, hike with you, pick apples and cook with you.  I am just so thankful that I had you in my life for these last 2 years and I hope you’ll be a friend for many years to come.

Keep in touch

Love,

Jane

2010/11/01
by Anonymous
0 comments

A.H.P.-37

A.H.P. – 37:

Dear Jane,

Mommy is sorry beyond her own ability to express or cope with it. I cry for you every day and I wish that I had been more of who and what you needed than I was. You were some times my only friend. Even when I hurt you or forgot you, you never forgot me. You were not perfect, but I loved you. I STILL love you. No other creature on this planet has given to me what you did. I’m just sorry I neglected so much so often.

I want you to know that I didn’t send you away because I didn’t love you. I wanted you to have more people who loved you. I wanted you to spend less time alone and scared. I hated locking you in a box because I didn’t know how to teach you what you couldn’t have known without my help.

I know that you can’t understand, but I hope wherever you are and whoever you’re with you forget how much it hurt you when I hugged you good-bye and walked away. I know that you’d forgive me if you had a concept of such a thing.

For all that a lot of people didn’t care for you, and for all the things that were my fault in the end, I love you still. Every time I see another dog, I know that they will never be you. I know that you were not perfect, but neither am I. Some people still love me, and as far I;m concerned it’s the same.

I see you in my dreams, and if dogs can dream then maybe you see me too. If there’s a such thing as another life, I hope we meet there. All my bad days are worse for your love not being in them, and all the good days would be better if they had you.

Last of all, I want to make sure I don’t forget to thank you for loving me no matter what I did. Almost no one else has any right to claim that.

They aren’t allowed to tell me where you are, and maybe it’s better that way, but they did tell us when we tried to get you back that a family had adopted you. I hope that’s true. I hope even if I hurt (because I chose to give someone else the chance to do for you what I saw that I couldn’t) I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to be sad or miss me. I wouldn’t wish this kind of hurt on anyone for any reason. Ever.

2010/11/01
by Anonymous
0 comments

A.H.P.-36

A.H.P. – 36:

My Dear Son, John,
I am going to put this in writing so there are no misunderstandings about what I am sharing with you.  I want you to be clear in knowing what I am communicating to you.
Firstly, I love you so very much, probably much more than you will ever know or begin to know.  you are my son and will forever be my son.  You are a blessing to me each and every day of my life even when you are not with me.
I am so sorry you are struggling.  i don’t know when that will stop and things will get easier for you; I thought that time had come.
You are like the man who is caught in a flooding river, drowning… praying for God to help him so he won’t drown.  God sends him a log and he lets it float by.  God sends him a raft and he lets it float by.  Finally, God sends him a boat with a man in it and the man extends his hand and says, “let me help you”.  The man says, “no God is going to help me”.  Well the man drowns.  When he sees God he says, “I prayed for you to help me, for you to save me, but you let me drown”.  God told the man, “I sent you help and each time help arrived you refused the help I sent”.
For years your family has been trying to save you from drowning in that river.  We have extended a hand to help in the form of:  counseling, consequences, special schools, alternative living situations, love, tears, and so many other ways that are just too innumerable to list.  Mostly we have loved you, and all of the help we have gotten you and offered to you is because of the love we have for you. There is no magical healing/saving; it requires desire and lots of hard work.
The school you are currently enrolled in is on the brink of discharging you because of your poor choices and your refusal to follow the program. the school you are in is also one of the hands that have been extended to you to keep you from drowning, yet you are choosing to ignore the helping hand and drown anyway.
I don’t know what more help I can offer to you, what more encouragement I can give you to do well and succeed in life.  i don’t know how to help you understand that you are so loved by me and your entire family.  Please, stop this cycle of self destruction, you are only hurting yourself.  Sure, it hurts my heart, your grandparent’s hearts, your aunts, uncle, siblings and father’s hearts… but in the long run you are the only one who is getting destroyed by your actions and choices.
I would like you to think about what your life choices and options are if you are discharged from school.  Live with me?  Live with your dad?  Live with your grandparents?  Or perhaps you will be on your own, live in Albuquerque, work, support yourself, pay your bills, buy your own food, pay your medical bills, and possibly, if you have time, go to school.  Only one of these things is an option at this point in time; all other options have been exhausted.
So, Jacob, my beautiful, smart, charismatic, capable, talented, blessed, beloved little boy/young man, please stop and think about what you are doing to yourself.  Don’t put yourself in a situation you may not be able to get yourself out of.
It is so hard for someone to finish high school after they have dropped out, in fact very few people who drop out of high school ever finish or go on to college.  And statistically speaking, if for some reason you wind up in prison, once you get out you will have very poor chances at being accepted back into society as a whole.  New prisoners report being beaten by fellow convicts for the first 1-2 months after being incarcerated.  they report being forced to join gangs and much worse.  If you think life is a strugle now imagine what your life will be like inside a jail cell.  Getting jobs after being incarcerated will be one of the most difficult tasks you encounter (probably not as difficult as being in prison).  People don’t look at ex-convicts and say, “you did your time all is forgiven let me hire you.”  The say, “I don’t want this person to do to me whatever they did to get sent to prison in the first place.”
These are not the life choices I want for you.  But that really isn’t up to me.  The course your life takes is entirely up to you, choose wisely son.
I love you son, your family loves you. We want you to be successful and would love to help you along that path to success.  However, we cannot help you unless you are also helping yourself.  It is up to you.
I wish you luck and send you all my love.
Jane