The Anonymous Heartache Project

An Experimental Transmedia Documentary

2015/03/21
by Anonymous
0 comments

A.H.P. – 65

John: Fuck. Sorry 10:47 AM
Jane: Yeah. Was hoping I’d run into you last night and then felt kinda crappy since you were being a bit standoffish and then just bailed :-/11:02 AM
John: Sorry I’ve been standoffish — 12:11 PM
Jane: Me too. It kind of sucks to share as much personal stuff as I did with you and then be totally ignored. 12:32 PM
John: Listen I don’t really know where you’re at with things but I was also trying to pull back the last few weeks. Im sorry i didn’t communicate more overtly…I dont think we should get more serious… Again I don kno where you’re at with all this I was just trying to back off and unfortunately I wasn’t expressing myself very well/clearly. … I know we shared a lot of deeply personal things very quickly but my heart kind of got hijacked by someone else and the timing was not good :( 12:40 PM
Jane: Which is totally fine but you at least could have told me that sooner 12:41 PM
John: I reall feel shitty about my lack of communication 12:41 PM
John: I totally dropped the ball 12:41 PM
Jane: Yeah, you did. Not anything I haven’t dealt with before but was not expecting it from you considering that we talked about all my issues with sharing things with people who ask and want to know and then disappear 12:45 PM
Jane: I have to go run some errands. Good luck with whoever it was who hijacked your heart. I’ll see you around, I guess. 12:48 PM
John: Yeah, I hear you. Didn’t mean to be ghost. I’m a little overwhelmed in life this summer. Not an excuse, just saying. Yeah, see you around…

2015/03/21
by Anonymous
0 comments

A.H.P. – 64

I’m sorry I haven’t been able to be there for you with everything you’re going through. My parents have been in town this week and with your graduation, teeth and home situation, there hasn’t been much of a chance to talk about things in person. Combined with the stresses in my life, it has all triggered some of my anxiety and depression issues, which generally leads to me shutting down emotionally.

I’ve tried to separate things in my mind and think about how things would be if circumstances were better. I don’t think we fit together all that well anyway. We get excited about different things, have fairly different interests, and tend to live at a different pace. I’m sure you’ve been frustrated with me.
I would like to be friends, and expect to see you around. Good luck with your surgery tomorrow. If you need something, let me know.

2012/01/18
by Anonymous
0 comments

A.H.P.-63

A.H.P. – 63

Walking into a kegger in my favorite bellbottoms with pink terrycloth i sewed into them,
I see him sitting there.
My heart races.
my palms sweat.
I don’t talk to him.

He’s tall and terribly gorgeous
long black hair
deep burning brown eyes.

When I leave i catch his eye and my knees feel weak.

i find out he is my friends cousin….
i tell her,
i want him

I’m working in an Ice Cream shoppe,
it’s late,
i’m washing the floors, the door dings as someone enters
“We’re closed”
i say before looking up.

it’s him
i giggle
we talk about who knows what
he wants to take me out…

Later that week he calls me
we are supposed to go out saturday

i float through the week

Saturday comes…
a friend needs a last minute date to prom
i decline as i try on every outfit i own

i wait
and wait

he’s not coming
A month later he calls again
i don’t care that he stood me up –

we try again
he picks me up……..

and i never want him to leave

He’s amazing
the best kisser
smart
funny
handsome
strong
tall perfect

We fall deep into eachother
i love you
i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you
i love you i love you

i fall in love with his family
nonno gives me a bouquet of basil from his garden
nonna gives me a purse from peru made by a friend
his mom and i talk for hours
his dad wants to take me fishing

We fall deep into eachother
i love you
i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you
i love you i love you

our lives begin to intertwine with eachother
our paths we want to keep together

someday we’ll….
someday

years pass quickly
i get surprised reactions as i tell others we’ve been together 4 years

then 6 years then 7
are you gonna marry him?
i want to
he never asks

he doesn’t surprise me anymore
no coffee brought to me at work

he says what i want to hear..

i love you i want to marry you, someday
your beautiful
once this is done i’ll be there more

he seems distant

where’s your boyfriend?

not here…

i tell him i need him
i tell him i love him

he too busy

i ask him what’s wrong
what’s wrong with you

your always angry
i’m lonely
i need you

we fall away

he doesn’t want to admit he’s done

he no longer calls
i cry
and cry

i try to call
he doesn’t answer

he doesn’t call back
i cry

and now i’m alone
i miss the way his hands felt on my skin
i miss the way he held me
i miss being in love

our paths are no longer together
i cry

he still didn’t call

and here i am
wearing my favorite bellbottoms
i think we had a true love…
even though its gone
for 7 years we loved eachother
and i still love him

but don’t want him

it hurts

2011/11/02
by Anonymous
0 comments

A.H.P.-62

A.H.P. – 62
I like your profile.

I am trying to go on a picnic every week this spring. would you like to join me?

I’m always up for an art show. My roommate is always going to shows and I can probably find one if you like.

a midday bike ride is also one of my favorite things.

and of course a drink is also suitable.

unfortunately this email will not contain anything clever because it is in fact 705am.

cheers,
j

7 am, I’m impressed that hour has been eluding me for the last couple months. Can I choose all of the above? We could ride our bikes to a park/vacant lot/rooftop and have a picnic with drinks, then go see a show.

Jane

May 20, 2010 – 10:51am
That sounds fantastic, Jane! (what good is a picnic without drinks? this spring is my spring of cheap prosecco and cava)

as of now i know a decent set of spots in central park but would like to explore the northern end of the park more. i’d also like to rediscover an area of prospect park that i couldn’t locate last time i was there.

rooftop and a vacant lot also sounds quite appealing, but i don’t have any to recommend. do you?

looks like i’ll be free sunday and monday, and next friday. in a pinch i could do tuesday.

thoughts, comments, gestures?

May 20, 2010 – 7:59pm
I just realized that I haven’t been to Central Park but once since I moved to New York, a year ago! That is borderline ridiculous so maybe we should go there. Although Prospect is great as well. I have a lovely rooftop but I think it makes a better evening locale, no shade from the afternoon sun. I have monday free should we plan for then? Also what is your name?

May 20, 2010 – 8:39pm
my name’s John, well met, Jane!

Monday works great, I’m off all day. what’s a decent hour for you?

I’m good with either park. I love to ride so distance ain’t no thing. perhaps we can meet up along the way if our paths converge. I also wouldn’t be opposed to a full tour of the park before picking a spot if you’re down.

I’m by the Williamsburg bridge on the Brooklyn side.

I’ve got a great Italian bakery and a decent korean fruit and vegetable store and an Italian butcher near me for mozarella and prosciutto or sopressata. and I have one bottle of a decent prosecco. anything in particular you would like from them?

Report this

May 21, 2010 – 4:45pm
I hope this isn’t too much of a disappointment for you but I’m vegetarian. Other than the strict no meat policy I eat everything except cucumbers. I like stinky cheese and fruit. Park wise I’m totally down for a prepicnic tour lets do prospect in the afternoon I might work a shift at the food coop that morning so I could grab stuff too. Let me get back to you on an exact time to meet. j.

May 23, 2010 – 6:48pm
sent u an email. hope you’re still on or a picnic.

2011/10/12
by Anonymous
0 comments

A.H.P.-61

A.H.P. – 61

I can’t stop thinking about the other night. I still feel awful about how out of control everything was. I spent the whole next day throwing up from what could be called the worst hangover of my adult life. As ridiculous as that incident was, it did give me some perspective. That’s not the kind of person I want to be (drunk out of my mind crying over some fleeting relationship. While my friends attack an innocent bystander). Obviously, I still have really strong feelings for you but I can see how our relationship is unhealthy.

I love you but I’m letting it go. I want you to understand why I loved you. The reason I loved you wasn’t because you were kind to me, and it wasn’t because the sex was so good, and it certainly wasn’t for your reliability or consistency.

I loved you because I believe that you have an incredibly unique artistic sensibility. Between that sensibility and your innate intelligence, you have the potential to create truly great art.

I think we could have made something amazing together.

I realize this is going to sound hypocritical coming from me since I am such a drunk, but I hope you actually take the time to stand on your own and get healthy. Because even more tragic than the fading drama of our romance is that you would rather drown in alcohol and pussy than take a chance on yourself.

2011/10/12
by Anonymous
0 comments

A.H.P.-60

A.H.P. – 60

Jane-
Call me or stop in after work. Sorry I bailed out on you last night, I was too tired/drunk. Let’s not drink tonight, but let’s hang out. Maybe if you’re not working we can go to brunch tomorrow. I told Lauren already. Don’t worry, I love you. Isn’t that enough?

<3 Jane

2011/09/28
by Anonymous
0 comments

A.H.P.-58

A.H.P. – 58

Why do I love you so much and why do you keep disappointing me? You’re the one that was always talking about loyalty, honesty, open communication – I was always the one blamed for not communicating, for not telling you what I needed. But what I realize now is: you weren’t listening to me. Maybe you were, but you just didn’t care. Maybe you heard me, but you just couldn’t do it. You just couldn’t be there for me. And then I was blamed for how things happened, I was blamed for needing space, for needing to deal with my own emotions, my own heartbreak and confusion when I felt like my family was falling apart. But really though, where the fuck were you when I needed you? Was I just always supposed to support you through everything? Was I not allowed to struggle with my life sometimes? I listened to you for hours, hours and hours and hours and hours but you couldn’t hear me. Your own needs always got in the way of mine but you blamed me for it. You told me that love was like that – it’s hard work you said, it takes sacrifice. Bullshit, you wanted me to sacrifice everything and made us both suffer for it.

The thing is, I’m not really angry, I’m just sad. I’m sad because I know you didn’t mean to be so selfish and to hurt me and yourself so much, but you didn’t know how to do anything else. You couldn’t see how we were destroying each other and because you were so afraid, you couldn’t let us go. And so I tried because I felt like I had done something wrong and I didn’t want to let you down. I cry about it a lot because there’s still a part of me that feels like I disappointed you. But I couldn’t win – my only option was to choose you over everything, even over myself… and I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it. I tried, I really did but I can’t do it. As much as I love you and as much as I can see a future with you, it’s not the future that I want. I know you’ll never forgive me for that and you’ll only see it as me rejecting you and not wanting you rather than the truth – you’re blinded by your fear and because of that you can’t love me, you can only love the security that you thought I gave you. You didn’t love me enough to listen to what I needed in the relationship, you only saw what I wasn’t giving you or wasn’t willing to give. I can only say there is someone out there who will sacrifice everything for you and that wants the same things as you… but I’m sorry my love, that person is not me.

You started dating someone the night after we moved out of our apartment. We were together for four years. What do you think about that? Are you really that scared? Are you really that afraid of being alone? Did you really think it wouldn’t hurt me? As soon as we weren’t officially “a couple” I was no longer someone that deserved your time. I know you were angry with me and I can understand that. But, what does that say about our relationship, just purely on a human level, on a level of two people caring about each other and existing in the world together and sharing so much, that you just conveniently forgot all the work and time we had spent growing together and building and trying to become better people. I guess it made me realize it wasn’t ever about me, or loving me, it was about loving a future that you wanted so badly and once you realized I wasn’t the person that was going to take you there you dropped everything we had built to find someone else to fill that space. That actually broke my heart. I thought that I could rely on you as a friend, as someone who cared about me, even if we weren’t together. I see now that you don’t have space for that in your life.

But you don’t know any of this, do you? You are so sincere. And I really do adore you. It’s hard for me to be around you, to look at you, at a face that I have memorized. It’s so strange now, but also wonderful, to love someone else. Someone that is actually able to love me. Loves me for who I am and also the things that I’m not.

There are parts of you and our relationship that will always be with me. I carry them with me even now. I guess that’s what it’s like to really love someone, like I loved you. I wish only beautiful and healthy things for you so that you can mend the hurt inside of yourself. I’m sorry if I seem cold when you see me, you never did know how much I love you and I guess maybe you’ll never know. I hope you get everything you want. I have to take care of myself now and I hope you’ll understand it has nothing to do with you, it never did, maybe one day you’ll love me enough to realize that.

2011/09/28
by Anonymous
0 comments

A.H.P.-57

A.H.P. – 57

There’s that moment when you realize you’ve been fighting about the same thing for 6 months and it’s not jealousy or insecurity – it’s the fact that the relationship isn’t working.

2011/09/28
by Anonymous
0 comments

A.H.P.-56

A.H.P. – 56

breakfast was nice. you’re nice. It feels nice to be with you. I told you that I was in strange place but how can I really explain that to you? See, I promised my heart, myself, my life, my future to someone else and then it all broke. In front of me. So quickly.

I tried so hard, worked harder and pushed myself more than I ever had. And it didn’t work. And here I am surrounded by broken things. Surrounded by things I tried to fix but couldn’t. I don’t know what bothers me more, the fact that I tried so hard or the fact that it wasn’t the right person – or the right relationship.

But then I start wondering about what the right person is and can it really be anyone as long as we work hard enough? And if that’s so, how do I feel about quitting? It’s jading. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted of expectations. of pain. of fighting. of being responsible for someone else’s feelings.

How do you love someone else? And If I told you I loved you, how could you believe me? and why should I believe you? and if we get sick of each other, what then? who am I? And what does love do to us? What does it do to me? to you?

I like a day with you. I like a night with you. I like how you kiss. I like how you touch me. I like how adventurous you are. I like your friends. I like how you look at the world. I like cooking with you. I like falling asleep with you and waking up with you.

It would be easy to say I love you. But would that really change anything?