A.H.P. – 58
Why do I love you so much and why do you keep disappointing me? You’re the one that was always talking about loyalty, honesty, open communication – I was always the one blamed for not communicating, for not telling you what I needed. But what I realize now is: you weren’t listening to me. Maybe you were, but you just didn’t care. Maybe you heard me, but you just couldn’t do it. You just couldn’t be there for me. And then I was blamed for how things happened, I was blamed for needing space, for needing to deal with my own emotions, my own heartbreak and confusion when I felt like my family was falling apart. But really though, where the fuck were you when I needed you? Was I just always supposed to support you through everything? Was I not allowed to struggle with my life sometimes? I listened to you for hours, hours and hours and hours and hours but you couldn’t hear me. Your own needs always got in the way of mine but you blamed me for it. You told me that love was like that – it’s hard work you said, it takes sacrifice. Bullshit, you wanted me to sacrifice everything and made us both suffer for it.
The thing is, I’m not really angry, I’m just sad. I’m sad because I know you didn’t mean to be so selfish and to hurt me and yourself so much, but you didn’t know how to do anything else. You couldn’t see how we were destroying each other and because you were so afraid, you couldn’t let us go. And so I tried because I felt like I had done something wrong and I didn’t want to let you down. I cry about it a lot because there’s still a part of me that feels like I disappointed you. But I couldn’t win – my only option was to choose you over everything, even over myself… and I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it. I tried, I really did but I can’t do it. As much as I love you and as much as I can see a future with you, it’s not the future that I want. I know you’ll never forgive me for that and you’ll only see it as me rejecting you and not wanting you rather than the truth – you’re blinded by your fear and because of that you can’t love me, you can only love the security that you thought I gave you. You didn’t love me enough to listen to what I needed in the relationship, you only saw what I wasn’t giving you or wasn’t willing to give. I can only say there is someone out there who will sacrifice everything for you and that wants the same things as you… but I’m sorry my love, that person is not me.
You started dating someone the night after we moved out of our apartment. We were together for four years. What do you think about that? Are you really that scared? Are you really that afraid of being alone? Did you really think it wouldn’t hurt me? As soon as we weren’t officially “a couple” I was no longer someone that deserved your time. I know you were angry with me and I can understand that. But, what does that say about our relationship, just purely on a human level, on a level of two people caring about each other and existing in the world together and sharing so much, that you just conveniently forgot all the work and time we had spent growing together and building and trying to become better people. I guess it made me realize it wasn’t ever about me, or loving me, it was about loving a future that you wanted so badly and once you realized I wasn’t the person that was going to take you there you dropped everything we had built to find someone else to fill that space. That actually broke my heart. I thought that I could rely on you as a friend, as someone who cared about me, even if we weren’t together. I see now that you don’t have space for that in your life.
But you don’t know any of this, do you? You are so sincere. And I really do adore you. It’s hard for me to be around you, to look at you, at a face that I have memorized. It’s so strange now, but also wonderful, to love someone else. Someone that is actually able to love me. Loves me for who I am and also the things that I’m not.
There are parts of you and our relationship that will always be with me. I carry them with me even now. I guess that’s what it’s like to really love someone, like I loved you. I wish only beautiful and healthy things for you so that you can mend the hurt inside of yourself. I’m sorry if I seem cold when you see me, you never did know how much I love you and I guess maybe you’ll never know. I hope you get everything you want. I have to take care of myself now and I hope you’ll understand it has nothing to do with you, it never did, maybe one day you’ll love me enough to realize that.